La Bonita-29th & NE Alberta

She:

I must say, for a double day of taco delight it wasn't half bad. It wasn't half good either. I feel as if I got the short end of the stick on this one. La Bonita, was indeed bonita, however the taco force could use improvement. I was told the chicken taco shouldn't be judged because it's so easy...but then why is it that I can't seem to find a decent one? Eat that Ito! Shito joined the walk as well and her giggles could be heard for miles. My bestie who was kind of being a beastie came and I appreciated every minute of her glorious face. Love you all. Let's get to business. The chicken was reaaaaalllly dry. No limes available, I'm sure we'd have to pay extra for that because it was $1 for the pickled carrots that at any other establishment would be free. Kris Angel Mind Freak that shit! I doused the second taco with a ton-o green sauce, but the part that I was not ready for is their green sauce was spicy like a mo-fo. I wasn't prepared for that, but it was rather delicious. Generally, I like the double tortilla, no swipe that, I DO like my tortilla doubled and this one was unfortunately singular. Overall I was bored, this place was boring me. Although I did get to stare at the mural (shown below) which slightly made it a better eating time. Bored.

La Bor-nita, you get 1.5 stars out of 5 because you have $2.00 tacos that suck.

He:
Double fucking header! We have been slackatocious on this lil venture as of late, so I encouraged my alluring partner to increase taco intake dos-fold! And I about dos-folded my cards when we came came a-strolling into La Bonita. Maybe this was a bad idea...my innards were already doing back-flips and I'm pretty sure I was touchin' cotton at this point. Critical mass, motherfuckers. The F5 shit tornado was about to touch down and I had to shove 2 more lil gems down my gullet! Lord have mercy on our bowls! I went for pollo and carnitas here, cuz a jump to pastor would have put me back 25 pennies. That's a quarter, shit stainer. Too damn much at this point! And having tasted the sweet nectar of pineapple Jarritos, I was satisfying my thirst with orange Fanta. Tis okay, I had about had it. The Brazillionaire joined us at this point and I could tell by the "somebody just shat" look on her face that I might just have to 86 her too! She grabbed two pollos and dispensed of them like some kind of elite fighting force! I gotta be honest. This place didn't blow me away. The meat was dry as all get out and they opted for the singular tortilla construction. However, the tacos held there own and this is something I can appreciate. The green sauce was pretty spicy here and that didn't help my cause of shartiness either.  I honestly appreciate the folks who choose to come with us on this journey, but LEAVE THE SHIT TALKING TO THE PROFESSIONALS! We love you all. Even you, my bad mooded friend. Wink emoticon.


I give La Bonita 3.1 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 shit stars cuz I have to shit reeeeeeeeally bad right now. And dry meat...Ya know what? I'll knock it back .1, cuz I dug the lady painting. 3 Shit Stars!!! Is 2 Taco Walk-O adventures too much, my people???????

La Sirenita-28th & NE Alberta

She:

Dear La Sirenita, When cleaning your establishment, you should be sure that you don't drench the dining area with ammonia, turns out when a person is sitting in the midst of the smell they start to form a headache which throws off the entire dining experience. As well as, drowns out the beautiful smell of tacos and sauce. Keep that in mind for the future customers. Sincerely, She. So once again, I know how I feel about tomatoes on my tacos and I don't like it. I much prefer with just the cilantro and the onions. Especially when your tomatoes taste unripe. Yeah, I said it...not ripe. This trip we were joined by our Mexicana chica and the half Asian Persuasion who are both now 86'd! If you are going to criticize the critics, then you best get to steppin! There is only room for two judges on this blog and that's SHE and HE.... not ITO and SHITO! In any case they did have limes for us as well as a full bar of ingredients to add to the plate. I drank my Mexican coke and my $1.35 tacos in almost silence. I love the double tortilla, but not so much the rest of the taco. Their green sauce was asi-asi and kind of bland. All in all the ammonia/bleach smell ruined everything for me. 

La Sterile-ita, I rate you 2 out of 5 stars. 

He:

My spicy ladyfriend is abso-fuckin-lutely corectamundo when it comes to establishments waiting to cleanse themselves of the days derelicts and pigs and familias and awesmoe critics like us! Sure, we're incognito, but one day we might be on some food show or something! I did enjoy the wee cramped space although it permeated with the sweet smell of Blue brand cleanser. Mr. Yuck would be turning over in his grave! I went for uno pollo and uno pastor on this round. Double tortilla bonus. Rojo sauce bonus! Precious pineapple Jarritos double feckin' booooooonus! Another neat lil quirk is an inclusion of grilled onions and whole grilled peppers as an accompaniment! Kinda neat! Our Ethnic friend upped the ante by truly doubling our Ethnic demographic by suggesting the half Asian Persuasion tag along. I dunno about this. We had to 86 em 5 minutes into the dining experience. Having said that, I blame the toxic air content for the apparent bitchiness of the event as a whole....

I give Sirenita 3.2 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 Shit Stars for the Nuclear Fallout experience, but the double tortilla and the moistness of the pollo was a good save in a cleaner atmosphere. And by cleaner I mean LACKING FUCKING CHEMICALS!!!

Cha! Cha! Cha!- 27th & NE Broadway

She:

First of all, let me just start with...why Cha! Cha! Cha! for a name? It reminds me of diarrhea cha cha cha. In any case, I've been several times prior for the chicken fajitas burritos. They are bomb diggity if you enjoy delicious onion, peppers, beans and chicken. If not. Then forget about it. However, this is the first taco eating trip to this establishment. The place is really clean which I see as a bonus as far as dining experiences go. I sat down with the SanDiegonian and the Greek god at a mildly decorated table. They brought the food to me, which I appreciated. The look of the tacos were aesthetically pleasing, but I'm not down with the tomatoes. The chicken was spiced up a bit as it was "adobo". I did think it was good, but I prefer to make my taco to the spice level I want it to be as opposed to someone pre-spicing it for me. I made sure to add the green sauce, loved the sauce, it was a good addition. I say the sauce is needed to make the dry-ish adobo chicken a little juicier. I drank my entire mexican coke down to make the burning sensation in my mouth go away, but I think the only way to make it stop was to drink milk. Considering I'm lactose intolerant and it wasn't readily available I had to live with it. My last complaint to you Cha! Cha! Cha! is if you have something on the menu, such as flan... you should probably make sure it's ready in supply for anyone who'd like to order it. Otherwise, perhaps a sign about how you are currently out would be a great read before I decide that it was something I'd like to order. Just sayin.

I give it 3 out of 5 stars.

He:

 Above this grammatical cacophony lies my beginning salvo into one of Portland's storied taco joints. I opted for the New Usual this round, kiddies(dos pollo and dos al pastor to you newer fans)! Upon entering this dance-themed eatery, I was charmed out how much this quaint lil ristorante looked like a FUCKING CHIPOTLE! The decor in these newer mexi-joints with it's faux industrial facade and the cutesy chairs make me wanna toss my frijoles about the place! However, we were here to JUDGE some feckin' 'cos, mang! My picante senorita and I were joined by our man-child San Diegan compadre on this venture. Looking across the table I thought I was in the crossfire of a pair of toothpicks. You see, both of my dining buddies are quite svelte and have uber-fast metabolisms. Fuckin' skinny is what I'm sayin here. The litmus test(pollo) was what they call "Adobo." It is obviously marinated, which I am heavily conflicted about. Does this cross the line or border as it were? No. This was good shicken. Surprisingly good actually! She's right. The verde sauce was delicioso! The pastor was also slathered in adobo seasoning and was pretty tasty. By the photographic evidence you will see what my major issue was with my eats....I COULD NOT TELL THE MOTHERFUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM!!!! At least not by look. They looked almost exactly alike and the only dif was the taste! Thank the Christ child for my tongue and all it's 2000 parts! To drink-Mexi-coke....(shudder)


I give Cha! Cha! Cha! 2 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 Shit Stars for crooked pictures of casas and over spicing their meat(although it was a change), but a heroic sauce and the heaping mound of cilantro on my pastor!!! 

"Taco Cart"-4th & NW Davis

She:

Well this is the first cart on the West side that we've been to. Our Mexicana friend had suggested this place, but there are stipulations. They are only open Wednesday-Saturday late night. This nameless truck sits in the heart of China town off of 4th and Davis. Not much of an atmosphere, but the truck does have a lovely neon "OPEN" sign gleaming in your face when you try to pick out a drink. Bonus, they do have mexican coke. It's a walk up and order through window establishment that takes card with an additional $0.75 fee. I ordered 3 chicken tacos and squeezed some green sauce out from a bottle sitting on the truck. The tacos came with lemons instead of lime, which was a disappointment. As we looked  around, there wasn't much for seating. Curbside seems to be most seating, but we chose to cross the street and sit on a statue like thing. I picked up the first taco and it dripped all around on the cardboard bowl thing and my lap. The brazilian had chicken taco as well and the puddle on the ground showed just how messy these greasers are. When I reached my last taco it fell apart at the seams and fell into my lap. I'll give them a break because the tortillas are hand made. Though it seems they would be good after a lovely night of drinking, the surroundings are sketchy and it may just not be worth a possible mugging. Taco cart, you should probably get yourself a name so I can mock it. 

This place gets a 3 out of 5 stars. 

But this just in--it's been reported from one of our taco joiners that Los Gorditos had bugs in the cilantro when we had eaten there. They did not want to alarm anyone but they had found 2 bugs on their tacos and withheld this information. Since this new information I am pulling Los Gorditos from the #1 position and there is now no holder of the #1 title. 

He:

Downtown Portland at night. A completely different animal. Darkness brings out every sort of Tom, Dick, and HOMELESS MOTHERFUCKER axin' me questions regarding spare change or cigarettes on a repetitive basis! Look, folks, I feel for our nation's homeless, I really do, but these people have got to become better organized. Face recognition is one of the basic tenants of brain function. Use it, por favor! Now..."Taco Cart"...

Our Ethnic ladyfriend and the Brazillionaire accompanied us on this adventure as my lovely senorita and I continue on our quest for for taco delicioso. I'm a fan of Brand X scenarios, generic product, faceless campaign, etc., but tacos are a thing that need a name! They're about to get one. Handmade tortillas are a definite plus. Our Ethnic ladyfriend tempted me with this feature. Unfortunately, I had the same dastardly occurrence as my alluring partner. Tortilla fucking fallout! Shrapnel of pollo, cilantro, onion, and tortilla went everywhere! Having said that, the shredded pollo was moist n' flavorful & the cilantro tasted and looked fresh. I'm struggling with the lemon effect that I have witnessed at some of the places we've patronized. Mayhaps it is an unseen food trend or a lime shortage, but I can't quite get on board with this citrus blasphemy. LIIIIIIIIIMES, please!!! The asada had some good points too. Yes, I went for the Old Usual. Much to my chagrin, the pineapple Jarritos was absent from the iceless cooler under the serving counter so I opted for Mexi-Coke....and I called it so when I ordered it. Offensive, my dear readers? Meh. 

2.79 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 Shit Stars...great cilantro + homemade tortilla - tacsplosion-lack of bev/anonymous facade...

If anyone has a suggestion for us....LET US FUCKING KNOW! Until next time, taco nerds...Also-BUGS?! GROOOOOOOOOSS!!!!!!!