Tienda Santa Cruz- North Lombard

She:

The long awaited has come. Many of our friends, Mexican and Californians alike have been ranting about this establishment. (When I say Mexican I mean she's Mexican when it's convenient). So we did it, we took the drive to St. John's. When walking in, it brings you right into the convenient store portion of the place, but as you head towards the back past the carts of pastries there's a entrance to a cafeteria area. It's a literal hole in the wall. The room is open and has white walls, a tiny bit of decoration, not really anything nice to look at. But bonus they have a tv in the corner playing a Spanish channel... so if you know your Spanish... The place quite literally looks like a middle school cafeteria. Perhaps even a high school one. In any case, don't be deceived by the room. Let's get to the tacos. $1!!!! Yes, $1 tacos and $1.25 for a mexican coke.  It was $5.25 for a meal! I ordered and sat down at one of the rickety tables and didn't have to wait long for the woman to bring me my food. Self serve sauce bar, limes come with the tacos. Yeah that's right, not lemons, but limes! The green sauce isn't the best I've had, but it doesn't matter because the tacos are phenomenal. Santa Cruz, I will come visit youz when I want tacos.


I give it a 4.9 out of 5. Position #1.

He:
Everyone is a critic. Scratch that. We two are fucking critics and the rest can sit and spin. We went solo on this venture. This is the way it started. This is the way it was meant to be! Santa Cruz Numero Dos in Saint John's....a Mecca of tacofficianados. This is according to Californians. I won't say Mexicans, cuz I have not had the pleasure of meeting any yet, but I trust the opinion of a Californian when it comes to tacos and good porn. This place is a bit off of the beaten path, but it is soooo worth it! Situated within the belly of a Mexican grocer, Santa Cruz #2(more on that later), is a hidden gem. Apparently, this place is packed on summer weekends, but we're pros. We do it on Tuesdays. $1 tacos? Are you frickin kidding me? And a plethera of pineapple Jarritos?! Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaw! Look at these photos! No, not my sultry partners rack o' lamb, the TACOS. THE GLORIOUS FUCKING TACOS! FOR ONE DOLLAR PER! Insane with goodness! I was so happy to be eating alone with my p.i.c. that I could have just shit right there and then. Kinda like a rat did right by my chair. These little suckers were delish and I wanna go on permanent record that I never had any doubt in our Ethnic friend. She just needs to be patient. Patience gets ya the good stuff in life and we got it, baby! Each bite was bursting with flavor. The cilantro was snapping in my mouth! Viva la Santa Cruz! Oh...I went for the New Usual. A wise choice.


I give this place .6 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 Shit Stars. Not perfect, because of the rodent's rest room by my feet, but tasty in mah tacos....Mmmmmmmmm rat shit. Congratulations Santa Cruz! You are Numero Uno in my book!

La Bonita-29th & NE Alberta

She:

I must say, for a double day of taco delight it wasn't half bad. It wasn't half good either. I feel as if I got the short end of the stick on this one. La Bonita, was indeed bonita, however the taco force could use improvement. I was told the chicken taco shouldn't be judged because it's so easy...but then why is it that I can't seem to find a decent one? Eat that Ito! Shito joined the walk as well and her giggles could be heard for miles. My bestie who was kind of being a beastie came and I appreciated every minute of her glorious face. Love you all. Let's get to business. The chicken was reaaaaalllly dry. No limes available, I'm sure we'd have to pay extra for that because it was $1 for the pickled carrots that at any other establishment would be free. Kris Angel Mind Freak that shit! I doused the second taco with a ton-o green sauce, but the part that I was not ready for is their green sauce was spicy like a mo-fo. I wasn't prepared for that, but it was rather delicious. Generally, I like the double tortilla, no swipe that, I DO like my tortilla doubled and this one was unfortunately singular. Overall I was bored, this place was boring me. Although I did get to stare at the mural (shown below) which slightly made it a better eating time. Bored.

La Bor-nita, you get 1.5 stars out of 5 because you have $2.00 tacos that suck.

He:
Double fucking header! We have been slackatocious on this lil venture as of late, so I encouraged my alluring partner to increase taco intake dos-fold! And I about dos-folded my cards when we came came a-strolling into La Bonita. Maybe this was a bad idea...my innards were already doing back-flips and I'm pretty sure I was touchin' cotton at this point. Critical mass, motherfuckers. The F5 shit tornado was about to touch down and I had to shove 2 more lil gems down my gullet! Lord have mercy on our bowls! I went for pollo and carnitas here, cuz a jump to pastor would have put me back 25 pennies. That's a quarter, shit stainer. Too damn much at this point! And having tasted the sweet nectar of pineapple Jarritos, I was satisfying my thirst with orange Fanta. Tis okay, I had about had it. The Brazillionaire joined us at this point and I could tell by the "somebody just shat" look on her face that I might just have to 86 her too! She grabbed two pollos and dispensed of them like some kind of elite fighting force! I gotta be honest. This place didn't blow me away. The meat was dry as all get out and they opted for the singular tortilla construction. However, the tacos held there own and this is something I can appreciate. The green sauce was pretty spicy here and that didn't help my cause of shartiness either.  I honestly appreciate the folks who choose to come with us on this journey, but LEAVE THE SHIT TALKING TO THE PROFESSIONALS! We love you all. Even you, my bad mooded friend. Wink emoticon.


I give La Bonita 3.1 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 shit stars cuz I have to shit reeeeeeeeally bad right now. And dry meat...Ya know what? I'll knock it back .1, cuz I dug the lady painting. 3 Shit Stars!!! Is 2 Taco Walk-O adventures too much, my people???????

La Sirenita-28th & NE Alberta

She:

Dear La Sirenita, When cleaning your establishment, you should be sure that you don't drench the dining area with ammonia, turns out when a person is sitting in the midst of the smell they start to form a headache which throws off the entire dining experience. As well as, drowns out the beautiful smell of tacos and sauce. Keep that in mind for the future customers. Sincerely, She. So once again, I know how I feel about tomatoes on my tacos and I don't like it. I much prefer with just the cilantro and the onions. Especially when your tomatoes taste unripe. Yeah, I said it...not ripe. This trip we were joined by our Mexicana chica and the half Asian Persuasion who are both now 86'd! If you are going to criticize the critics, then you best get to steppin! There is only room for two judges on this blog and that's SHE and HE.... not ITO and SHITO! In any case they did have limes for us as well as a full bar of ingredients to add to the plate. I drank my Mexican coke and my $1.35 tacos in almost silence. I love the double tortilla, but not so much the rest of the taco. Their green sauce was asi-asi and kind of bland. All in all the ammonia/bleach smell ruined everything for me. 

La Sterile-ita, I rate you 2 out of 5 stars. 

He:

My spicy ladyfriend is abso-fuckin-lutely corectamundo when it comes to establishments waiting to cleanse themselves of the days derelicts and pigs and familias and awesmoe critics like us! Sure, we're incognito, but one day we might be on some food show or something! I did enjoy the wee cramped space although it permeated with the sweet smell of Blue brand cleanser. Mr. Yuck would be turning over in his grave! I went for uno pollo and uno pastor on this round. Double tortilla bonus. Rojo sauce bonus! Precious pineapple Jarritos double feckin' booooooonus! Another neat lil quirk is an inclusion of grilled onions and whole grilled peppers as an accompaniment! Kinda neat! Our Ethnic friend upped the ante by truly doubling our Ethnic demographic by suggesting the half Asian Persuasion tag along. I dunno about this. We had to 86 em 5 minutes into the dining experience. Having said that, I blame the toxic air content for the apparent bitchiness of the event as a whole....

I give Sirenita 3.2 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 Shit Stars for the Nuclear Fallout experience, but the double tortilla and the moistness of the pollo was a good save in a cleaner atmosphere. And by cleaner I mean LACKING FUCKING CHEMICALS!!!

Cha! Cha! Cha!- 27th & NE Broadway

She:

First of all, let me just start with...why Cha! Cha! Cha! for a name? It reminds me of diarrhea cha cha cha. In any case, I've been several times prior for the chicken fajitas burritos. They are bomb diggity if you enjoy delicious onion, peppers, beans and chicken. If not. Then forget about it. However, this is the first taco eating trip to this establishment. The place is really clean which I see as a bonus as far as dining experiences go. I sat down with the SanDiegonian and the Greek god at a mildly decorated table. They brought the food to me, which I appreciated. The look of the tacos were aesthetically pleasing, but I'm not down with the tomatoes. The chicken was spiced up a bit as it was "adobo". I did think it was good, but I prefer to make my taco to the spice level I want it to be as opposed to someone pre-spicing it for me. I made sure to add the green sauce, loved the sauce, it was a good addition. I say the sauce is needed to make the dry-ish adobo chicken a little juicier. I drank my entire mexican coke down to make the burning sensation in my mouth go away, but I think the only way to make it stop was to drink milk. Considering I'm lactose intolerant and it wasn't readily available I had to live with it. My last complaint to you Cha! Cha! Cha! is if you have something on the menu, such as flan... you should probably make sure it's ready in supply for anyone who'd like to order it. Otherwise, perhaps a sign about how you are currently out would be a great read before I decide that it was something I'd like to order. Just sayin.

I give it 3 out of 5 stars.

He:

 Above this grammatical cacophony lies my beginning salvo into one of Portland's storied taco joints. I opted for the New Usual this round, kiddies(dos pollo and dos al pastor to you newer fans)! Upon entering this dance-themed eatery, I was charmed out how much this quaint lil ristorante looked like a FUCKING CHIPOTLE! The decor in these newer mexi-joints with it's faux industrial facade and the cutesy chairs make me wanna toss my frijoles about the place! However, we were here to JUDGE some feckin' 'cos, mang! My picante senorita and I were joined by our man-child San Diegan compadre on this venture. Looking across the table I thought I was in the crossfire of a pair of toothpicks. You see, both of my dining buddies are quite svelte and have uber-fast metabolisms. Fuckin' skinny is what I'm sayin here. The litmus test(pollo) was what they call "Adobo." It is obviously marinated, which I am heavily conflicted about. Does this cross the line or border as it were? No. This was good shicken. Surprisingly good actually! She's right. The verde sauce was delicioso! The pastor was also slathered in adobo seasoning and was pretty tasty. By the photographic evidence you will see what my major issue was with my eats....I COULD NOT TELL THE MOTHERFUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM!!!! At least not by look. They looked almost exactly alike and the only dif was the taste! Thank the Christ child for my tongue and all it's 2000 parts! To drink-Mexi-coke....(shudder)


I give Cha! Cha! Cha! 2 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 Shit Stars for crooked pictures of casas and over spicing their meat(although it was a change), but a heroic sauce and the heaping mound of cilantro on my pastor!!! 

"Taco Cart"-4th & NW Davis

She:

Well this is the first cart on the West side that we've been to. Our Mexicana friend had suggested this place, but there are stipulations. They are only open Wednesday-Saturday late night. This nameless truck sits in the heart of China town off of 4th and Davis. Not much of an atmosphere, but the truck does have a lovely neon "OPEN" sign gleaming in your face when you try to pick out a drink. Bonus, they do have mexican coke. It's a walk up and order through window establishment that takes card with an additional $0.75 fee. I ordered 3 chicken tacos and squeezed some green sauce out from a bottle sitting on the truck. The tacos came with lemons instead of lime, which was a disappointment. As we looked  around, there wasn't much for seating. Curbside seems to be most seating, but we chose to cross the street and sit on a statue like thing. I picked up the first taco and it dripped all around on the cardboard bowl thing and my lap. The brazilian had chicken taco as well and the puddle on the ground showed just how messy these greasers are. When I reached my last taco it fell apart at the seams and fell into my lap. I'll give them a break because the tortillas are hand made. Though it seems they would be good after a lovely night of drinking, the surroundings are sketchy and it may just not be worth a possible mugging. Taco cart, you should probably get yourself a name so I can mock it. 

This place gets a 3 out of 5 stars. 

But this just in--it's been reported from one of our taco joiners that Los Gorditos had bugs in the cilantro when we had eaten there. They did not want to alarm anyone but they had found 2 bugs on their tacos and withheld this information. Since this new information I am pulling Los Gorditos from the #1 position and there is now no holder of the #1 title. 

He:

Downtown Portland at night. A completely different animal. Darkness brings out every sort of Tom, Dick, and HOMELESS MOTHERFUCKER axin' me questions regarding spare change or cigarettes on a repetitive basis! Look, folks, I feel for our nation's homeless, I really do, but these people have got to become better organized. Face recognition is one of the basic tenants of brain function. Use it, por favor! Now..."Taco Cart"...

Our Ethnic ladyfriend and the Brazillionaire accompanied us on this adventure as my lovely senorita and I continue on our quest for for taco delicioso. I'm a fan of Brand X scenarios, generic product, faceless campaign, etc., but tacos are a thing that need a name! They're about to get one. Handmade tortillas are a definite plus. Our Ethnic ladyfriend tempted me with this feature. Unfortunately, I had the same dastardly occurrence as my alluring partner. Tortilla fucking fallout! Shrapnel of pollo, cilantro, onion, and tortilla went everywhere! Having said that, the shredded pollo was moist n' flavorful & the cilantro tasted and looked fresh. I'm struggling with the lemon effect that I have witnessed at some of the places we've patronized. Mayhaps it is an unseen food trend or a lime shortage, but I can't quite get on board with this citrus blasphemy. LIIIIIIIIIMES, please!!! The asada had some good points too. Yes, I went for the Old Usual. Much to my chagrin, the pineapple Jarritos was absent from the iceless cooler under the serving counter so I opted for Mexi-Coke....and I called it so when I ordered it. Offensive, my dear readers? Meh. 

2.79 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 Shit Stars...great cilantro + homemade tortilla - tacsplosion-lack of bev/anonymous facade...

If anyone has a suggestion for us....LET US FUCKING KNOW! Until next time, taco nerds...Also-BUGS?! GROOOOOOOOOSS!!!!!!!

El Brasero-SE 12th and Hawthorne

She:  

Taco. Time. I have been to El Brasero many o'times prior to Taco Walk-O, but this is the first time that I have been there to judge. (Aside from judging the slew of drunkens in the wee hours). With these new eyes full of judgement I sat out to try the tacos they had to offer. My Brazilian hetero-life mate was my date as well as the Greek giant. The tacos are $1.50 each which is not too shabby of a deal. They did have mexican coke and that always brings a smile to my face. Though, the coke is in a plastic cooler sitting out, it's a good thing that the weather is still cold otherwise I'd have a warm one and that's just not right. We sat down at the adjacent picnic tables under the white canopy and although the truck itself is designed and painted the seating area just feels stale with fluorescent lighting, which does no justice for anyone. I understand that we live in Portland, but do not tease us with your heat lamps if they are not in working order! The wait was not long (though it was rather early in the night) and I received my tacos and sat back down. They had all the right ingredients: cilantro, chicken and onion,  and in addition, limes! But as I took a bite, there just seemed something was missing. The taco was bland and the cilantro was a little wilted. I added green sauce, but the sauce didn't do much to kick up the taste. I was disappointed, because I've had so many trips here. Unfortunately for El Brasero they fall into position #2 as Los Gorditos keeps the #1 position. Oh, and they can keep their radishes to themselves.

I will give them 3 out of 5. They ARE open until 3am drunkies.

He:

Something about the name of this place piqued my interest. El Brasero. Brasero. The Brasero. Hmmmm. Very intriguing. Of course I had to get home and googlize this fucker. Guess what, taco wackos?! It is translated to BRAZIER!!! I was feasting on wittle bitty tacos at a place called The fucking BRAZIER! Yeeeeeehaw! I knew there was a reason to eat tacos under cover of night! I've steered away from the Old Usual and I know what you're saying...who fucking cares? Well, I do. The fact that I can step away from tradition once and a while and adventure into a New Usual is what makes me half of the best taco bloggers on the fucking planet. What the shit was my point? Oh. I got 2 al pastor instead of carne asada. That's the New Usual. Ogle the photo above my words. LIIIIIIIIIIIMES, you gringo sons-a-bitches!!! A good start. I HAD to go for the Mexi-cokes in the iceless cooler, because these fellers at the Los Tittyholder can't seem to stock any pineapple Jarritos. It's ok. I can deal with Mexi-coke. It's got caine, er uh, cane sugar. For real. It's the Real Thing. The pollo was chunked as opposed to shredded and the senorita and I agree that shredding may lead to a faster dry/moist ratio. "Just add a lil LIME", I say to myself. Nah. Didn't help. The al pastor was good though! A couple crunchy bits added to the texture and the green salsa was pretty dern zippy. I did have a couple grease pools gathering on my plate though. Not exactly sure if I consider this a pro or a con at this point. 

  On taste alone, the Mammary Mitten is pretty on point. However, the lack of pineapple Jarritos coupled with the fact that it is late March and not the best time for al fresca dining tripled with the fact that the cilantro looked to be over a week old and I STILL haven't had a BM? Ummmmm.

2.42 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 Shit Stars. For poor timing(cooooooold out!), lack of beverage of choice, and musty radishes. And finding out from Brazilian Chamillionaire that speed dating costs $50 in some cases. Are you FUCKING kidding me?!

Los Gorditos-SE 12th and Division

She: 
Joined by a taco fiend and a Brazilian delight, Andreas and I set out for another taco adventure. Los Gorditos looks just like any other taco possibility. It doesn't have the eclectic deco as you would assume a traditional mexican food place would have, but it looks just like a run of the mill restaurant that could serve just about anything. This cash only place is right off of Division with tricky parking spots right off the main road. At 6:30pm the line wasn't too bad and it's walk up and order. Right away I noticed they do not serve Mexican coke, but instead have regular coke from the can. Minus a point. The sauces are self serve and they have many to choose from. We sat down at a table for four (the only table for four) with our numbers and waited roughly 10 mins for our tacos. I ordered 3 chicken tacos at $2.00 a piece. The first bite I must say was pretty tasty. It immediately jumped to #1 out of the previous places we have visited. Their salsa verde was quite delicious and I enjoyed pouring it slowly onto my taco. The chicken was a tad dry although the taco was juicing all over my plate. I would have liked to squeeze a fresh lime onto my C.T.'s for a little extra zing, but bummerville they did not provide any. At least they had cilantro! All in all it wasn't half bad. Los Gorditos can ring my ditos any day.


I say 4 out of 5. Still looking for that perfect taco.

He:
First of all, I want to thank KRYSTAL for mentioning me by name. Muchas fucking grassy-ass, my little lolita. Okay taco nerds, we've brought you near constant disappointment for the past three weeks. Well, I loaded the dice this time. I love Los Gorditos. My first experience with them was at their cart at 50th & Division the year I moved here. I was in heaven immediately. Utter bewilderment. Holy frijoles this place was awesmoe! But I wasn't judging then. And I am now. I had confidencey de la supremo about my beloved so naturally I pounded a few cerveza beers prior to meeting with my ever-growing tacafficianados. It seems that our little mission has attracted a following and far be it from my sassy little friend and I to keep them from enjoying or abhorring what this fine city has to offer in terms of these lil fuckers. At this juncture we were joined by our Picante Brazilian ladyfriend and a gentleman of such esteem, I was almost ashamed that I was this fucked up. But fuck it. It's tacos, ese! 
I went for alpastor and pollo(our litmus test, if'n ya haven't caught on), dos a-piece. And a pineapple Jarritos, of course. My wee senorita was right about the pollo. It was a drier, shredded offering. But the alpastor is frickin awesmoe here! Best yet! In fairness, we had to try or tacos nekkid. I'm cool with that. Fair and balanced after all. Buuuuuuuuut, they have this saaaaaaaauce! Oh kiddies, you are going to love the neon orange jalapeno/garlic sauce! They have a deceiving milky colored habanero sauce as well as your verde and smokey chipotle bits and bobs. Good stuff. Anyway, for the most part this was the most epic culinary experience we've had thus far, but rest assured, we are but babes in a land of taco gigantes. Side note-the sauce will give you the shits from hell. Alas, everybody poops.


I give Los Gorditos 1.48 Shit Stars out of a possible 5 Shit Stars for the dry shicken and wicked burny poops. My body was probably pissed cuz I didn't get my actual the Usual. The Burrito Immortalis-the Stacy. Try it NOW! ZERO SHIT STARS! Ummmmm...ok....back to tacos..